Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Randomize
