Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
