One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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