Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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