So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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