Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
