Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
