I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Randomize
