i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
