Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
