I hate your face
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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