We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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