I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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