The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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