My liver just broke up with me...
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
