My underwear smells like fireworks.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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