So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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