do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Randomize
