dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
