I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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