I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
