Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
