she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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