Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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