he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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