the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
