The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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