Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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