wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Randomize
