Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
