If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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