i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
a search helicopter?!
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
