I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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