her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just made out with a guy for $7.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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