seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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