Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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