I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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