you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
