Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
