i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
