Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
