Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
NoShamevember. You game?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
