I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
My penis needs a shock collar
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
