plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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