I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
