I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Ketchup is God's man juice
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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