I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
