Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
