If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
