I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
