3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
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