I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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